Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
