Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
