The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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