my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
