You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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