i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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