Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
