what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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