Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
