Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
