new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
She needs sedatives and a leash
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
