i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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