we're chasing vodka with high fives
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
