He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
