Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
