my vag is so smooth its legendary
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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