watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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