careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
