Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize