saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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