Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
It's not a walk of shame if you run
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
where are my eyebrows?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
