around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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