Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
