its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
