I met the friendliest cop last night
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Randomize
