You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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