Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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