Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
