dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
