Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
