i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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