You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
