i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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