I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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