I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
