Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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