I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
oh god the rape fog is back!
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
