the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
