If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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