I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
