I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
he puts the penis in happiness.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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