Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I can't put those talents on a resume
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
So. Much. Porn.
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