I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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