Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
