Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
