ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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