Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize