Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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