I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
and you fell through a lawn chair
Randomize