Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize