I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I think my vagina is haunted
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
