you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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