first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I AM VODKA MAN
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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