when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
we should paint friendship bongs
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