so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
