I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
