Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
