Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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