I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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