Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
