Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
