i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
