??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
