he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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