i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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