everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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