I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize