Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
