I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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